Parcel from the distant land
by Erintii
Summary: One very ordinary morning, the Fan-fiction writer heard knocking to her door. There was no one outside, but strange parcel arrived on the doorstep. She decided to open the parcel and... both fun problems begun. Part of the Plush Toy Collaboration.
1. Parcel on a doorstep

The weirdest day of my live started terribly normal. As in my everyday routine I heard alarm clock ringing at 7 AM. Because I was never able to leave my bed at the very first time, I got several clock alarms. Needed somehow to arrive in work at 9 and nine always comes too early. All of theories about slow-eating breakfasts has never appeal to me, as I believed mornings are for sleeping not meditations.

Then I heard knocking on my apartment's door. In the very first moment I decided to ignore knocking. Whoever was standing outside, did not stop. "Who the hell is outside?"- I asked myself angrily. I am living in a big city and it is not a custom to visit or even know neighbours. I decided to open my doors and said some nasty words towards jerk waiting outside.

I saw no one. Corridor was empty as it supposed to be in the morning. Oh, no it wasn't really empty. Mysterious parcel lied on a floor near my door. I didn't expect any parcel, so get little nervous. In 21st century we all heard so many about terrorists and biological threats to simply accept gifts from unknown source. Especially carefully packed parcels.

To call a parcel "strange" was not enough. It didn't take a long to see letters "for Erinti" on top of it. I've never ever but anything using my blogspot nickname. "Who send me this? Who know I used to write a blog under this particular nick?". It was weird enough.

I carefully examined a parcel and noticed old-fashioned envelope. It reminds stationery I once saw. Strange words were written with delicate and beautiful handwriting. "Terrorists are no using lettering"- I said to myself. It might be a trap, but quite bizarre trap I admitted. Trying to forget all thriller movies I've ever seen, I decided to checks who send a parcel and why. When saw a letter, I almost fell down on a floor. I had no idea how on earth I managed to remain in my initial position. "No, no, no"- my common sense shouted – "it is only a dream and you should stop drinking coffee".

For the terrible moment I believed I got insane. Insanity was the only possible explanation why I saw a following memo on a parcel:

"_Erintii_

_I've read your stories and found you as most suitable person to help. Just don't say "no". someone must finally put end to this childish games! My beloved husband is sometimes really difficult and I just got no idea what to do next. He and his brother have been rivals since the beginning of time. Made them talk to each other like mature people._

_I send them as plush toys in a parcel. Just look after them and be very careful. _

_Best regards,_

_Varda Elentari _"

You can only imagine how astonished I was. In the very first moment I just refused to believe. It was my real-life, not fanfiction story! The only reasonable solution was to close eyes and wake up. Weird dream make only possible explanation. For a second at least, as parcel started to… move. Yes, you heard right move.

Moving parcel was enough even for a dream. I quickly grabbed it and closed my door. It wasn't the wisest decision, but the only possible at that moment. I opened a parcel and saw... I saw two plush toys. Cute in some way, except for the fact there were kicking each other.

One of them was a blond-haired man in a blue, medieval robe. He had a long sword in his hand, strange add-on for a plush toy. Reminds those very expensive dolls in old-fashioned cloths that costs thousands of bucks. Second one looked perfectly opposite: pale and black haired, was wearing ancient, dark robes. He also had war hammer and started a fight.

'What the hell'- I asked loudly in one more desperate try to understand what is going on.

'Finally you decided to open this bloody parcel you stupid mortal'- shouted dark man

'Hey where is you manners plushie-toy? You are in my apartment so behave! OMG, toys are shouting at me. Great!'

'We are not a toys'- said blond man –' although we looked like them'

'I know who you are'- I answered – 'I saw letter by your spouse. You are just a product of bad sleep and stress. I just had a weird dream and need to wake up'

'We can't wake up from this nightmare'- grumbled dark-haired man-'at least unless I made a peace with this usurper'- he pointed at another man

'Listen to me plushie-toy. I have no idea what is going on, but have no time now. I need to go work. When I back we will try to find a solution and send you back wherever you come from'

'You can't leave us'- stated another man –'don't you read a letter?'

'I've read and don't believe. I need to go to my work and no plush-toy-like-Vala is going to stop me '- I answered

I left my apartment. All the way to my work I tried to convince myself no bizarre parcel arrived on my doorstep. It's literally impossible in modern world. Stress and drug-side effects made the only possible explanation. Chemical agents became part of food and water years ago. It must affect people's brains. Over usage of mobiles may also cause brain damage. Plethora of possible explanations are out there in the Internet. I convinced myself there were no parcel in my apartment. Delusion finished when I went back and.. and saw a disaster.


	2. Plushies home alone

**Thank you all for the reviews, likes and follows. This is a wonderful motivation. I am also writing another "Silmarillion" fanfic. I am very interested in you opinions. **

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I should have predicted disaster that happened. Literally I should have been wiser. After all I've read "Silmarillion" and know enough about my, let me call them guests. Soon after I had entered my apartment, I blinked several times. Just needed to convince myself I saw a real situation. Literally a battlefield my apartment was transformed into. Kids like playing toy soldiers and pretend being on a war. But those.. plushies were not kids, not matter how childish their behavior were.

'Boys will always remain boys'- I muttered.

In the very last moment I avoid a flurry trap. Mini-eagle to be exact was flying around. No, it was much worse as whole group of mini-eagles were flying around. Yes, you heard me right. Wild eagles appeared in my apartment and seemed as miserable as I was in that particular moment.

It was a hunting time. Orcs (yes, there were mini-orcs there, no bigger than a mice) were trying to shoot eagles. When I once saw a mice in a kitchen's floor got impression nothing worse may happen. How naive I was! Orcs. I recognized those ugly little creatures screaming in unknown language (some dark language I assumed). Those bloody bastards used my collection of DVDs to build fortress-like structure. To make matters worse they use pizza's fragments to shoot eagles. It made a terrible mess!

Eagles and orcs were not the only guests. When I realized what happened to my favorite movies, I saw something more. Little wolf, no bigger than a puppy. I've always considered wolves as beautiful and wild. I just couldn't help and smile.

'You are so cute'- I told aloud, before I realize who I really have just met. A Carcharoth, great and terrible wolf of Angband.

To my great surprise creature seemed pleased. It didn't bite me. I guessed it was waiting for someone or something else. When I saw a mini hound, I understood everything. Someone summoned Huan, a wolfhound of Valinor. I got wild animals and evil creatures in my place. It wasn't a situation I anticipated after long day in work.

'What the hell have you done to my apartment?'- I yelled at two plushies, shouting at each other

'You left us home alone, it wasn't polite' – answered dark one

'What was I supposed to do?'- I asked – 'I couldn't just go to my work with you two in my bag. Oh, beg my pardon, I should have done this. Who ordered a pizza?"- I finished.

I tried to calm down. Really tried not to throw orcs, eagles and everyone else through a window. They were living creatures after all.

'We were hungry and pizza was funny'- answered second man- 'want some piece?'

'No, I want you to send back your little flurry friends. I want both of you to send back your companions. I need.. I need a drink'- I finished.

I really needed a drink. I looked as a mess in my room and try not to think about cleaning awaiting. My DVDs were destroyed. Plushies ordered pizza. I started to believe I was going mad and only single malt friend was able to keep me awake. My 'guests' started a war, just as in "Home alone" movie.

'You called my wolf cute. He is not cute, stupid mortal'- grumbled dark one

'Stop calling me stupid mortal you little tyrant, or you will be sleeping outside. I love wolves for their deadly beauty and wildness. I just even don't expect you to understand'

'Oh, I perfectly get you point. It's a pity those bloody elves never get the point. Wildness is strong and beauty, whereas their songs were terrible'

'You don't know how to sing, just not try to be a judge'- said blond-haired man –'elves like team playing, which you will never understand'

'Oh, I understand perfectly'- smirked dark one –'Fëanor and his sons did a wonderful team work in Alqualondë. Your precious little elves left you alone my brother and swear oath against you'

'We all know it was your fault. You were responsible for Kinslaying !'

'Not me, but your sweet Fëanor'

I quickly got how their talk is going to end. It will be nothing, but argument. I tried to ignore mess and prevent another argument. I finally understood what had been written in a letter about childish behavior.

'Gentlemen'- I interrupted- ' Let's calm down and behave as adults. How about drinking some whisky?' – I asked, even though it was probably awful idea to propose alcohol for them.

'What is whiskey?'- asked blond-haired man

'Don't tell me, you've never drink alcohol! Come on, you are Lord of the Valar and never tried alcohol?- I asked completely astonished

'I _said_, I've never tried whiskey'

'You see now, my little brother knows nothing about live'- smirked dark man – 'just bring your alcohol and don't make us waiting'- he almost ordered.

I needed some alcohol. Probably even more than some if I was to live with those two in my small apartment. I needed to find away how to stop fighting. Don't want orcs, eagles or wolves in my place. "_Made them talk to each other like mature people"- _was written in a letter. How should I made them speak normally? Why they are so difficult? Has anybody ever asked about it? I doubted. Maybe that was a point? Maybe this 21st century "psychoanalysis for everyone" is a good idea. But first we all need a drink.


	3. My home, my rules

Unfortunately I got only one bottle of whisky and one bottle of wine. I doubted if this will be enough, but after cleaning I got too tired to even think about going to the shop for more. Moreover it was a terrible idea to leave plushies home alone, as they simply start arguing and fighting. There were no just two brothers with serious communication problems. It seems they managed to keep some Vala powers, even in cute plushie forms. 'If I am to find a solution, I need strong drink'- I thought and took my whiskey with me.

'Ok, let's sit and try to talk'- I started giving them one shot of alcohol- 'Could you please explain, why your were sent here and why just can't talk normally?'- I asked trying to be calm and patient.

'He's a usurper'- told me dark one

'You know, in mathematics, if you have a wrong assumptions, logical consequence is always true, even if it's totally wrong in a real life'- I started –'You called your brother "usurper", but as far as I remember a story, he was chosen to be a king by Eru. It means it was neither him nor you to decide'

'You are right mortal, but believe me I've tried to tell '- started the blond-haired one

'Don't interrupt me. My home, my rules and you will have your time to speak Mr. Manwë. Not to mention I _have _a name, even I am a mortal. So coming back to our previous topic. So we all agree, it was Eru who decided who is and who isn't a king, didn't he?'

'Yes, you are right but '- started dark one

'Excellent, Mr. Melkor. Do you agree?'- I asked blonde-haired one

'Yes, but what is your point?'- he answered.

'Please be patient. So we can all agree, that none of you gentleman decided about being or not being a king yes?'- I stated

'He didn't make a decision, but stole our father's love from me, was always against my ideas and never understand a world! You must admit it Erintii'- dark figure almost shouted.

Sometimes I was wondering how it might be to work as psychologist. 'Beware of your wishes, as they may come true'- I heard it somewhere. Those two really needed a mediator and talking with someone outside family. I had no idea why it was me, to do such.

' Have you tried to listen to your brother? Ask him about his ideas and beliefs?'- I asked second guest

'Don't be naïve Erinii'- he answered-' He always tried to convince everyone how bad I was to him. This is not true. He is my brother and I've always loved him, even if we get me mad'

'Fine'- I commented- 'Try to drink more whiskey. Mr. Melkor, I need to go to washroom, but will be back in ten minutes. Just please, don't summon any creatures. When I'll be back, maybe you may try to talk to me about your ideas?'- I looked at him with smile.

' At least _someone _is trying to be nice'- smirked dark-one- '_I_ promise to be behave nicely, but can promise only for myself!'

'You are as subtle as your orcs'- commented blonde-haired one –'I am most mature person here, even if trapped in this ridiculous form'

Guess what? I wasn't convinced at all if any of them are matured. But I was tired and needed a shower. It is quite tricky for a girl to have a shower in few minutes, however not impossible. Especially if two angry kids waiting in a room and are able to start plushiegeddon. I got a Guinness record in quickness and return. They almost finished my whiskey, drinking is as ordinary water. Luckily caused no damage to my apartment. Unluckily propably never ever heard about good manners.

'What are you wearing?'- asked dark-one with a smirk – 'it's awful'

'It is pyjama'- I answered –' and that was a rude comment. What's wrong with it?'

'Everything'- he raised eyebrow – 'but I will fix it. I know how to fix it. I am helpful and human-friendly, not like my little brother'

'Don't!'- I screamed

It was too late. I just wanted no more supernatural powers in my apartment. Before I even managed to move, but pyjama disappeared. I got really scared, but this time surprise was lovely: an old-style, embroidered silky nightgown. Once I saw similar one, but it cost ridiculous amount of money. I got nothing against such surprises.

'Thank you. It is so nice, if you were a human, I would give you a hug'- I smiled – 'Shall we continue?'

'Why you wouldn't hug me?'- grumbled dark-one

'It will be bizarre? I don't know but I thought Valar just don't do.. such stuff and hmm.. I am now too big'- I explained, coming closer

'So hug me, when I will return to normal size'- he demanded

'Can be, shall we now continue?' – I almost begged

'Why do you want to hug him?'- asked blondie-one sarcastically – 'just because of cheap trick with nightgown?'

'I try to be nice. You have no idea how expensive such gowns are in vintage stores. This talk is ridiculous'- I explained

'It is, you have no idea how'- agreed blonde-one – 'there are better way to make impression, believe me if you ever see my magnificent eagles you _will_ understand'

'I've seen your eagles and need to clean after them'- I yawned-' I am sorry, I's tired and need to go sleep, if I am to wake up tomorrow and go work '- I explained – 'I guess none of you want to sleep in a parcel?'

Then I realized I just missed that point. I had no idea where to put them. If only I had a dollhouse or whatever similar.

'What a ridiculous idea'- smirked dark-haired one – 'bed is a place for a royal guests as we!'

'Firstly, you are not a royals, secondly this is my bed and lastly where I am supposed to sleep in your opinion? I can give you blanket and pillow, but not bed'

'You won't make us sleep on a floor. That's ridiculous'

I really promised myself to but a dollhouse in Chinese district. Or anything that can be useful. Last what I dreamed of was such fight. I had no idea how I managed to sleep in such circumstances. Yes, you are right. I am adult person and two plushies were running along my queen's bed. I thanked God, there is no one in the apartment except for me. Having witnesses will be just too humiliating. 'What a long and crazy day. Tomorrow will be even worse, unless this is only weird dream'. I checked alarm clock on my mobile. I hoped to wake up at 7 in the morning and discovered my life is perfectly normal and ordinary. Guess what? It didn't work at all!


	4. Morning and plushies

Thank you all for the reviews.

**Elf from Downunder **I assumed alcohol they can drink a lot of alcohol. Yes, they are on a kind of counseling with someone who sees their relations with distance. Since this chapter they will learn how to collaborate.

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I hate alarm clocks. Just completely, literally hates those bloody, torture machines that always ring too early. My alarm usually rings at 7 AM. It's not so bad after all, but this morning I found it even more difficult than usual. I felt really tired, thus it required some time for me to realize _someone _was walking on my bed. I quickly realized I am not alone at all, but were still too sleepy to remember what the hell was going on. My only wish was to turn off my mobile and went back sleep.

'What was that awful sound?'- I hear annoyed voice

'Alarm clock, torture machine of 21st century'- I murmured – 'it supposed to made people wake up'- I explained, trying not to yaw.

'So, it means you need to wake up. Why are you still in bed'?- I heard another question

'I have "snooze" option turned on. Why are you asking my some many questions in the early morning?'

'I tried to be polite, not like this little blondie one'- explained dark plushie

'Don't be ridiculous snob, as you are the last person in all universe to learn about good manners'- grunted second one

'Oh, please just stop for a moment'- I interrupted- 'Arguments will lead us nowhere. Don't you need to sleep?'

'This is not a case now, you need to wake up now. You mentioned yesterday, that you needed to go to work. So stop grumbling and move'- demanded dark one

'Excuse me? I am not grumbling at all!'

'Firstly, you are most grumbling mortal ever and secondly we'd like some breakfast and more whiskey'- continued dark one

'More whiskey? I have no more, as you already finished everything I got. You drunk whole bottle!'- I explained – 'I will prepare porridge in 15 minutes ok'?

They drunk my whole bottle of whiskey and another one of cherry cordial. It seemed to have no effect on them. Yes, you heard right. Plushies have just drained my apartment from alcohol and demanded more. They stop arguing, that's advantage, however they start drinking contest to prove whose head is stronger. There were no winners as I run out of alcohol. Undying Lands seemed really to lack of psychiatrists.

I covered my head with blanket and was naïve enough to believe my guests would let me step more. Wrong assumption! They decided to be helpful. Just remember guys, never, ever under no circumstances let Vala to do this. It's healthier if they stay in their usual stagnation.

'You are so rude Melkor, just leave our nice host to sleep'- I heard Manwë's voice.

'Don't tell me how to behave little brother. You've always consider yourself too important to even talk to humans. I talked to them and tried to understand. You chose to sit on you boring mountain and talk to eagles'

'Don't bother yourself to play a hero. It was me who always listen to those in need. No one here will believe in your bullshit talks about being nice and understanding'

'For the Eru's sake, there are people here trying to have a nap'- I interrupted.

I made a huge mistake. If I were less sleepy, I would probably said something else. Unfortunately I gave them opportunity to be helpful in some sort.

'No, you are not going to sleep anymore. You will stand, eat breakfast and go work'- I heard demanding voice – 'We won't ruin your everyday life, we are mature and responsible'

They really made me leave my bed. I may only guessed how they made my blanket disappear. Moreover one of them summon ice storm, so I run to my bathroom. Plushies seemed to have odd sense of humour. I washed my face and tried not to think about cleaning awaiting. Ice storm inside my apartment! What is going to be next? Earthquake or volcano eruption?

I completely lost appetite, but still tried to eat breakfast. I felt really strange, when plushies were looking at me all the time. I don't have any eating disorder, but just try to enjoy your meal in such situation! My guests, let me call them, seemed interested in modern America's food, so tried my porridge. At least stop arguing when eating.

When I finished I looked for a big bag. I decided not to leave those two home alone. I want no more orcs, eagles or wolves in my place anymore. Plushies maybe older that universe, but still behave like immature boys. No, someone need to watch them.

'Why are you taking such a big bag with you?'- asked dark one

'Because you will both accompany me'- I explained with smile –'Bag is for transport purposes'

'I don't agree! '- almost yelled second one –'I am Elder King of Arda and I won't anyone to put me in a bag and carry like a Chihuahua dog!'

'I can believe I am to say this, but I agree with him. I am Dark Lord and just don't agree'

'Finally you have the same opinion'- I smiled –'I won't leave you home alone. I just don't want any eagles or orcs. You can't walk on a street. In this world , plushies are not walking'- I explained

'This is as our world as yours'- explained Manwë, still sulky- 'My dominion was just disconnect from mortal lands several thousand years ago, at the end of Second Age. People just forget almost anything about past and remember me as sex-obsessed and paedophile figure, whereas in fact I love and respect my wife '

'That's very interesting indeed, so you were really the one who was later considered as Zeus. I got your point and why are you so upset Mr. Manwë. It's really irritating to be remembered as sex-obsessed asshole' – I answered –'However I am not going to leave you both home alone, unless we will figure what we can do. I will tell you how to use Internet, but in my work not now'

I decided to take my tablet and show them some of its options. I knew it wasn't a perfect solution, but the only I was able to come up with in such a short time. I realized those two have serious communication problems and need counselling. In my office we may talk and got some privacy. If anyone enters, I can pretend I bought plushies for a cousin. With tablet to play they may not start another fight.

I thought giving them a tablet connected to WIFI was a good idea. I really felt sorry for carrying my guests in a bag, but it was the only way to deliver them safely. No one can see walking plushies. They were grumbling all the way. I apologised several times and bought a lot of donuts and cookies. It seemed relatively fine, as to my best luck my guests realized they just can't be seen outside my apartment.

When I briefly explained what is Internet and how tablets are working both of them seemed excited. They also enjoyed sweets almost as they enjoyed whiskey. I am alone in my office, so no one noticed two plushies with tablet.

Silence and peace lasted for a limited time only. Guess which webpage my guests find very quickly? Yes, fanfiction website. From some mysterious reasons they wanted to see what people are writing about them. I can perfectly understand why some of the fics didn't make them happy. Silence in my room lasted too short.


	5. Plushies and pernicious coffee

**Toraach:** To na pewno będzie dołujące dla nich**  
**

**Elf from Downunder: **They, will make us of technology in the following chapters as well. The idea that Manwe is somehow 'the Arda's version" of Zeus is not my original. I personally always perceived Zeus as sexually-obsessed jerk, thus my comments. Cookies as harmless for Valar, but there is something else totally danger...

**Ysmira:** I know, I just like to write something funny about those two

Thank you all for reading my stories. Here goes another chapter.

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'No, no, I don't agree. This should be forbidden'- yelled Melkor, looking at my tablet in a gloomy way at my tablet.

I decided to bite the bullets. I needed to finish very important document, which supposed to be ready yesterday. Listening to the ridiculous comments by plushies was last points on my checklist. I looked at dark figure. Arda's Dark Lord seemed unhappy, but except for that everything seemed fine. I continued my work and looked at Excel's pivot table.

'It's funny actually'- answered Manwë –' At least someone called you cute and lovely there. You see, some mortals have admitted that'

'You are my curse little brother. Really why can't you be any help? Did you see those awful words?'- yelled Melkor again – 'Don't you see what happened? Mortals have no now respect of us'

'I am perfectly aware Mr. Complainer, those people made me sexual obsessive jerk! I feel insulted!'

'This supposed to be a problem sweet blonde? At least you had several beautiful girls to have pleasure with, whereas I am either gay or Ungoliant raped me'

'Spider got a bad taste'- Manwë smirked –'you are as deep as puddle, but imagine I don't want so called '_pleasure_' with any of those girls. I love and respect my queen with all my heart, however I know you just can't understand that'

'I might have been able to understand, if you didn't stole her from me!'- yelled Melkor

I cried with frustration. It took my five minutes only to realize how bad idea was to take those two with my to work. They seemed to love teasing each other. I perfectly understand why Queen of Valar became tired of them. But why from all people in the universe she chose me to fix relations between her husband and brother-in-law? I decided to take part in the discussion.

'So, my interpretation of Valaquenta was right'- I started- ' you loved her, didn't you? She chose your brother and then conflict begun'

'Don't believe his lies'- Manwë interrupted –'the only person on the world my brother has ever loved was he and he only. He neither loved my dear Varda, nor me. He confused desire with love'

'It is all beyond your imagination and knowledge my little brother'

I swallowed a coffee. I looked at my pivot tables and prayed my supervisor wouldn't remember about anticipated report. I realized there was a conflict to be solved, before those two starts a war in my office.

'Mr. Melkor'-I started –'Have you ever talked to your brother about your feelings? Maybe he didn't listed to you, but I'd like to hear a whole story. Did you love her'- I asked

'Of course I did! She was and still is the most beautiful creature ever! I was the strongest and mightiest of Valar. She supposed to be my queen, not his, but he took everything that supposed to be mine!'

'You admired her beauty'- I commented coldly –' but this is not love, as love is much more. When you love someone you want other person to be happy, want to protect a person and be with her. Such person is extremely important but not because of beauty but in general'- I explained –' have you ever loved her in such way? I believe yes, at least to some extend, as you still remember what happened several thousands ago'

'She is the most beautiful and bright person'- he repeated- ' you can't understand, but at least try to see'

'Don't pretend to behave as unsuccessful candidate Melkor, we both know what did you do and how you wounded her. This will stay between us three forever so just don't ask'- he explained-'let's talk about funny fanfiction stories. I've always suspected there was something wrong with you and in a way you looked at your male servants!'

'I am not a gay'- shouted Melkor –' I am perfectly normal and always preferred girls. Why did they make me such.. creature?'- He asked

I took a deep breath. I had no idea what happened between three Valar and to be sincere, don't want to know. Some secrets should remain hidden. As for fanfiction stories, I've read several of them. I just can't imagine how frustrating is may be to read about own specific needs and desires.

'Political correctness'- I explained-' in 21st century it is trendy to be homosexual or transsexual. You should be happy, no one ever put you together to bed'

'That's disgusting, I am supposed to.. to.. with him?'- yelled Melkor with pure disgust on his face-' I need a strong drink, give me more whiskey!'- He demanded

'You won't drink alcohol in my office, it is forbidden. However I can buy timbits and milk shakes'- I explained –'give me five minutes, I will go to Tim Horton. Can I leave you?'

There is a Tim Horton cafeteria near my place. They have terrible coffee, however not to bad cookies. I run there, praying no plushiegeddon would start in my office. I really needed to figure out how to organise days for my guests. Tablet seemed a good start in overall. Maybe they should watch "Lord of the Rings" movies?

Mess welcomed me when I got back. No, everything remained at appropriate place. However my guests behaved strange, I mean stranger than usual. Dark Melkor became darker than ever before. Simultaneously his brother seemed amused. Blonde-haired Vala was lying on a floor and laughing hysterically. 'Plushies went mad, that's just wonderful'.

I looked at my tablet, to investigate what happened during last minutes. They really started to read fanfiction stories. I checked browser's history. In one of the stories both Melkor and his most trusted servant, Sauron, got romance with Gothmog . As the result dragon (I tried not to imagine details) got pregnant, but were not sure who is a father of child. In another one Valinor was organised in a labour-camp style with strict hierarchy and severe laws. Melkor was banished for sexually abusing Maiar and elves and for drinking too much alcohol. I felt strange reading such stories, which was a highly AU towards original, Tolkien's writings. I understood why Melkor got so upset, but why the other Vala was laughing hysterically I had no clue.

'What happened to him?'- I asked sulking plushie.

'My little brother got mad' - he stated a truth- 'can we use sticky tape to shut him up? Please, please!'

'No'- I answered and grab not really dignified Elder King. He seemed in a really bad condition.

He behaved as if got drunk or drugged up to the eyeballs. I got no idea what happened, but was determined to find out. No matter how I was surprised to see parcel on my doorstep I wanted no harm for my guests.

'What happened to him? When he started to behave like that?'- I asked

'You mean like a total cluck? He drunk those liquid from your cup'- Melkor explained.

I realized what is a problem. Valar, even in a plushie form, seemed perfectly resistant towards alcohol and literally can't get drunk. Also they may eat as many sweets as they want to, but coffee seems to affect them as LSD.

I saw one option only. I grab totally insane Vala and made him drink water. I got no idea what to do, as coffee is not working as poisoning substance. I hoped that with appropriate amount of water, I could help him. I preferred not to give them any medicines or herbs, as effects might be badly.

For my best luck, it seemed to work. After drinking one litre of water blonde-hair Vala stopped his hysterical laugh. He was talking something about me being so nice, cute and welcoming and invited me to his palace.

'You are such a nice girl, you must meet my lovely wife'- he begged.

I agreed, praying almost my therapy will help. After drinking another litre of water he started to behave relatively normally. He asked me why the hell he is siting at my laps. When I briefly explained hid coffee poisoning he jumped at my desk and made me promise I will never, ever tell anyone what happened. I agreed.

After all they left fanfiction website and ate all timbits. Fortunately shakes got no bad effect on them. I agree to buy a big bottle of whiskey for the evening. I needed it.

'What is that?'- Asked Melkor, showing me commercial for a free, strategy game for browsers

'This is a video in which you are suppose to built your country with army and other stuff. You can invade other people's lands and became a lord of all'- I explained

'How many times can I do it?'

'As many as you want, as if you finish one campaign there are new ones'

'So theoretically I can invade my little brother's country as many times as I want?'

'Precisely!'

I got impression, it may be a good way for them to spend time.


	6. Plushies and breakfastgeddon

Thank you everyone for comments and likings.

**Toraach:** Myślę, że urodzić mógłby niejedno. Co, to tylko możemy zgadywać, ale nic ładnego dla oka

**Elf from Downunder :** Manwe definitely should be less polite sometimes. After all Varda was tired with immature behaviour of them both! I thought coffee should be dangerous, just to make it funnier.

**Ysmira:** mniej więcej, poza tym nie sądzę by oryginalni bohaterowie chcieli być tak przedstawiani. Ja lubię AU, ale AU też musi mieć sens w świecie przedstawionym

* * *

Video games, what terribly easy solution to my problems! I noticed my guests are very interested in 21st century gadgets and amenities, however never thought they will like our addictions as well. They loved cookies, timbits and shakes (especially one with Oreo cookies). I got nausea just looking at their sugar consumption. Being a Vala has its advantages without doubts.

When we were going back home I bought bottle of whisky (in another store than usual, don't want to be perceived as alcoholic. Bad idea after all!) and more Oreo shakes. My Valar guests quickly develop addiction to sweets. Plushies showed no interest in more healthy food as salad or bread. I guessed they would love pizza and KFC chicken as well.

'So, video games. You can be a kings of two different countries and try to invade each other or play together against everyone else'- I explained – 'Would you like to play a game in Middle-Earth environment?'- I asked

'Yes'- replied Melkor –'I would like to conquer it once and for all. You must help me to reach my destiny'- demanded Dark Lord in a turgid tone

'You will never achieve this goal'- smirked Manwë – 'This require a lot of planning and strategy. You have none of that. It is me, who conquer you as usually my little spider-mistress!

'Shut up beautiful boy'

'At least according to myths I am cute and sexy, whereas you are ugly and play adult games with orcs'

'You have no idea what world "sexy" means my little brother and probably believe sex is just a name of a flower!'

'Can we just come back to main topic?'- I interrupted conversation. I really didn't want to hear more about in existing sexual life of plushies.

I have a very good imagination and believe me I prefer not to think what those two are doing during night. Sexual life of orcs was definitely enough for me, at least when I wasn't completely drunk.

' I am always listening'- Manwë raised an eyebrow – 'it is my annoying brother who interrupt'

'Don't listen to this blonde!'

'Come on guys try to behave'- I asked – 'or I won't let you play and there will be no cookies'- I threatened them. It helped.

I really needed silence, as I was tired. I dreamed about nothing but sleep, after few hours of looking for good and free strategy games. Plushies seemed really excited and even stopped fighting.

When I felt asleep, I got impression is going to be fine. I was so naïve! When I woke up next day, strange smell reached my nose. Something went wrong in my kitchen, which made me awake immediately. Plushies disappeared which was mysterious and disturbing. Normally they were running around my bed and sleeping on pillows.

'That's not good, not good at all'- I hear Melkor voice – 'Because of you, she won't give us any cookies!'

'Stop grumbling and help me if you want cookies. We need to clean this mess. Why those eggs just exploded?'- asked Manwë

'I have no idea, so don't look at me. Go to her room and do something to give me more time breakfast expert. You told me woman love breakfast delivered to bed!'

'Because it is a true, Varda loved it as much as having fun from Ingwe, Vanyar. Once she turned his hair into green, just imagine that! But what am I supposed to do?'

'You are beautiful golden boy little brother, so use charisma'

I realized what happened. I stepped into a kitchen and saw disaster. Eggs were just everywhere, as one of my guests put them in a microwave. Eggs exploded and smelt terribly bad. To make matters worse, I noticed frazzled porridge. 'Never threat Vala with cookies, or your kitchen with face Valageddon' – murmured.

'What happened, just please tell me what happened'- I asked as polite as I could.

Two plushie Valar looked at me with bizarre expression. It reminded me a little of guilt maybe? To be sincere, they seemed really cute with poor puppy-like look. Unfortunately exploded eggs and porridge leftovers were not nice at all. I took a deep breath and try to remain calm.

'We are sorry to mess your kitchen. We will help with cleaning, but please don't take cookies away from us'- noble Manwë almost begged.

I almost laughed. Elder King of Arda should be happy no one in his land will ever know he begged mortal for pack of Oreos. I always perceived Valar as boring and wooden ,but my guest were different and likable.

'You will have you cookies. I appreciated your trial to prepare a breakfast and thank you. Next time please just wake me up, OK?'

I felt satisfied, not because my plushies wanted to cook something for me, but because they started to cooperate. After all, Varda wanted them to stop fighting and at least try to work together. "Cookies are just excellent for everything"- I smiled to myself.

'I found nice games yesterday, so you may play when I will go work. Just don't drink coffee and don't cook, please'- I told them before I left.

Fortunately they realized how unfortunate their cooking attempts were. After all those two were supposed to rule, not to deal with everyday tasks. I left enough cookies and whiskey for them to feel fine. After all I started to like them and don't want them to get hungry. Probably Valar are not suffering from hunger, but it is rude after all to leave a guests home alone with empty fridge.

When I got back, there was a surprise waiting for me, but this time is was a good surprise. Plushies really know how to impress a girl.


	7. Dinner

I am very sorry for not updating for so long, many thanks for those who are still reading my fic about two brothers turned into plushies. I promise to finish this story. Updates will be bi-weekly. I also want to encourage you to read "Shadows of Tirion"

**Elf from Downunder:** Yes, some creativity is necessary. Cookies and vodka are the best solutions! As for the surprise mentioned before, it is a real magic.

**Ysmira:** zszedł by na zawał

**Fortune Cute**: Thank you very much!

**Marfacat**: Thanks!

* * *

I got a really tough day in work. Deadlines, sudden urgent phones and urgent (yet forgotten tasks) just needed to appear all at once. Rank lists have never worked for me. Writing proposals and tones of documents are simply the best description of hell. I've read plethora of time management tutorials, work-home balance advices only to realize it nothing but bullshit. "Plan all of your tasks in advance and prepare a checklist"- valuable advice indeed, only if you can make long-term plans. After 7 PM I was finally free and worried. I've completely forgotten about two, nervous plushies home alone. Images of ultimate disaster and destruction appeared almost immediately in my head.

This time nothing happened. In the morning they started team work and regardless of poor outcome it must have been very first time since millennia. My apartment was tidy, silent and terribly normal. It made me even more suspicious. It took me some time to arrive there as I needed to but vodka and cookies for my guests. When bored, they were dangerous to my belongings.

'You are finally back!' – blond-haired plushie welcomed. I prayed tell, he seemed a little bit upset – 'Why are so late?'

'Busy day and nervous co-workers. I hope you got a great time, while I was away'.

'Come, we have a surprise for you.'

I did my best not to get suspicious and worried as truly, I preferred to never find out what they mean by "surprise". Visions of mess and Armageddon simply exploded in my mind, this time fortunately nothing bad happens

Instead I was caught by surprise to see dinner and dessert waiting for me. Bunch of fresh flowers standing on a table and I couldn't help smiling when felt its sweet, delicate smell. To my further surprise, I heard beautiful, classic music. They gave me no time to even think about bunch of "why and how" questions. Trying not to think about the new balance of my credit card, I managed to smile.

'Dinner may be little cold, but we thought you are going to be back sooner' – explained Melkor – 'we decided not to mess with magic and powers here.

'Thank you, I am indeed deeply impressed and.. you used word "we", it's quite surprising'

'Don't think being a Dark Lord made me a jerk. I am trapped in alien world in a stupid form with my little brother as only person familiar. We decide to stop our war for a moment of course'

'Of course'- I answered- 'I appreciated your efforts and would like to thank you both for a dinner and flowers '

'You welcome'- said Dark Lord – 'this world is really funny, much funnier than Middle-Earth I must admit. Actually it is all about having a great time, even in a such miserable body'

'Personally I consider both of you as a cute'- I smiled – 'have you seen internet pics of you?'- I asked.

'Don't even mention that '- murmured Elder King – 'They pictured me either as old man with beard or monstrous creature with digesting problems'.

'At least none of you resembled giant gorilla or other miserable creature!'

'But there must be nice pictures of you somewhere'

'I don't have pointed ears!'

They continue to argue; whose pics were more miserable. I really did my best not to get angry and tired with them. My guests ordered really a tasty steak and mashed potatoes and crème brulee as the dessert. I thanked them both and congratulated myself a success. They seemed able to collaborate only if really believe this is extremely necessary. I got idea what kind of purpose might be given to them.

I sat on my sofa and observed my guests carefully. By some miracle they managed to order the dinner without charging my credit card. Whatever happened I asked no questions. Sometimes is better not to know.

'I have an idea how you can enjoy your company why I am away' – I starred.

'How?'- the Dark Lord seemed sceptical.

'Have you ever heard about the war games? You can play online against players all over the world and conquers whoever you are again and again, it's different than random stuff ' – I explained.

'It seems useless not to stop war'- commented the Elder King.

'It's a fun and you can try to be a better in a strategy'.

I don't know why I haven't thought about playing video games before. The letter from Varda didn't mention what kind of activities should be performed together, did it? Both of them seemed to enjoyed my world, simply because here were just brothers not the Elder King and the Dark Lord. I know that the psychological analysis after few glasses of wine is not the best idea, however the more I observer them, the more convinced became. "Even Valar deserve the holiday from time to time'.

They were talking about fanfiction and Melkor seemed very upset about describing him in a sexual relation with his lieutenant. "I tried to seduced Varda and Luthien isn't it obvious I preferred girls?" Valar definitely heard nothing about the bisexual orientation and I decided not to teach them. Even after few glasses of wine I couldn't think about such talks with a toy plushies running on my legs.

'No nice girl will ever date the Dark Lord' – this was not a usual statement for the Elder King.

'What do you know about dating?' – I asked.

'I am married mortal, keep in mind that fact'- he answered definitely upset – 'I know everything about kissing and ..'

'Call me mortal one more time and I won't give you cookies'- I answered – ' As for the video games, there is one known as the Lord of the Rings online when you can see the Middle Earth. You can either help or destroy Sauron' – I explained.

'I will punish this incompetent idiot'- murmured Melkor – 'Putting you power into the Ring, och bitch please it was so childish. Tell me how I can destroy him!'.

'You will play together against orcs and other creatures of Mordor and..'.

I opened the Internet browser and found the home website of the game. Melkor was angry to realize that players already used his name as the nickname several times. Only the combination of manwe_melkor worked and I persuaded them that the alphabetic order of their names makes the optimal solution.

My guests got quickly excited with the idea of playing computer games. The modern technique impressed them, as they originated from the world where horses made main way of the transport. I was too tired to tell them more, so decided to go sleep. Not doubting that plushies would learn how to play I slept, feeling small hands playing with my hair. Only the amount of alcohol prevented me from getting panic, what kind of fantasies might lead mature guys to play with the girl's hair.

* * *

**Author's note:** war games are great for boys of all ages, aren't they?


	8. The success

The following days were silent and almost boring, as living with two powerful beings, transformed into toys might be boring. Both of them seemed really great players and made a team called "conquer elves and mortals". While not playing "The Lord of the Rings online" they were watching family movies like "Beethoven" and "the Lion King". No matter how weird it sounded, both of my guests almost cried when Mustafa died. Blonde-haired brother almost broken his bottle of whisky when Simba realized his father passed away, while dark haired one argued Beethoven should bite the bad doctor. I proposed them to watch movies of my childhood. After few weeks I was almost ready to curse anyone singing "Hakuna matata", I loved this song, but they loved it too much, at least as for me.

I got impression that two kids are in my custody. I realized those two really missing childhood and play. In my place there were carefree and behaved as brothers not enemies: Elder King and Dark Lord. They seemed happy and helpful. They liked to play with my hair and were really good in making my hair done. From time to time, they even helped me to choose the good dress or skirt and did not comment my lack of fitness. I enjoyed their advice and suggestions, positively surprised by how accurate their words were.

Definitely they developed not only the good traits, not to see that would be extremely naive. I don't know what kind of websites they visited, yes they learned how to use the Internet efficiently I have no idea how divine beings from pre-technological word achieved this, and started to have demands. Every time I was back home, "where is my vodka and cookies" was the first question. They demanded shopping and new supplies, as my "female duty". The Dark Lord started the long discussion about my duty to make them happy and entertain them. What a jerk and typical, demanding guy! I almost kicked him, if not his brother who got enough of common sense to order him to shut up. I finally realized why he has been always described as more gentle and delicate. "Or maybe has more experience with girls"- I thought almost instantly.

I was laughing to see them so happily cooperating, when playing video games. Solution, even if random and found by the accident, worked perfectly. They were shouting something like "conquer all mortals" and definitely enjoyed themselves. Here, in my apartment they were finally brothers and I got impression my task is fulfilled. I have no idea if Varda will be happy as I turned her husband and brother-in-law into almost alcoholics, addicted to video games. Nevertheless, I will be far, far away when she realized.

One evening they left. I opened my eyes widely, when two plushie toys suddenly turned into two fall, bloody handsome man. One of them were light-haired and wearing blue robes and the second dark and dangerous. I looked probably stupid in my pyjama and facial expression. How could I look intelligent, if I realized cute toys sleeping in my bed was actually mature guys older than the whole human civilization?

'So this is the end'- Melkor seemed upset.

'I think so, I … will miss you'- I answered sincerely, as both of them turned out to be the great companions.

'We will miss you and those …. vacations'- said the Elder King – 'here we were brothers, not enemies'.

'You can continue your cooperation'- I said.

'You don't understand; this is not possible on Arda. He is chosen to be the King, whereas I am the opposition. There is no escape'.

I felt some kind of sadness in their voices. Two powerful, kind of divine beings from the other word, was standing in my rooms looking at my carefully. I blinked several times, not sure if two terribly handsome, male figures stand close to me. Even the most handsome and cutest actors or models looked bad when compared to them.

They departed and just disappeared. I felt oddly alone without their arguments and jokes. Even watching "The Lion King" together became a kind of the ritual. They eventually turned out to be very good companions and I started to think about getting roommate. I felt really alone without my unusual companions. Maybe they finally solved their problems…

My life became normal once more. No disaster waited for me, neither unexpected dinner. No more I needed to buy two bottles of whisky or pack of the Oreo cookies. I felt really weird to miss them, as after all their visit was funny and refreshing. Who knows, maybe those two finally learn they can work together and don't need to be ultimate enemies. They were spending hours playing on-line games, but definitely cooperating. I am not naïve enough to believe having fun together is going to change them, but who knows?

I got the weird impression, this is not the end. Call it the intuition or whatever, but my feelings were getting stronger and stronger. Few months after their arrival, I went to the conference. My duty was to present some recent findings and smile widely of course. I liked and enjoy the professional networking, but not speaking in public. Toast master workshops seemed the optimal option to me.

'You are the luckiest girl in the whole universe!'- my friend Kate was too excited for her own good.

'What are you talking about?'- I got no clue what was her point. In most cases Kate went so excited about dating, but I missed her point now.

'Don't ask my such questions! Where have you meet them? Can I date the blondie one?'.

'Kate, please calm down and explain what are you talking about'.

'Where have you meet those handsome, cute guys? Have you dated two of them at once? I have no idea you are such a pervert!'

Before I said anything, I got my answers. I noticed two man, one in the blue and second in the black suit. Both of them looked way too familiar for just the coincidence. I knew why Kate became excited and said nothing. No explanation would be possible and believable. Now, it was the high time to ask questions.


	9. The magic of the aspirin

'What the hell?'- I asked myself, in the desperate attempt to behave normally. In the last weeks I manage to convince myself the weird presence of two Valar in the form of plushie toys were nothing, but the mixture of wine and frustration. Such explanation sounded much better that early symptoms of hallucinations and loss of clear distinction between the real and fantasy worlds. Then I saw them and almost lost my breath, which made Kate to give me suspicious look.

'Here you are! We desperately need your help!'- dark haired man shouted.

'What happened? '- I asked.

'I can't stand anymore his presence in my bed!'.

The expression of the Kate's face was epic. She probably though those two were homosexuals and almost cried. Not often we could meet handsome and elegant men walking without their girlfriend. Kate left us definitely upset and I did my best not to laugh.

'Can you please explain?'- I asked.

'My wife went mad when we tried to play video games and kicked me from our bedroom. When she realized, I played games with Melkor she started to throw heavy things and complain about everlasting headaches'- Elder King of Arda reminded me of poor puppy so much that I hug him, doing my best not to start laughing. The I hugged the Dark Lord to avoid the argument.

'Haven't you told her about aspirin?'- I asked.

'No, we were sure you will help! Please talk with her'- Elder King was definitely the master of puppy eyes.

'Fine'- I agreed.

Varda was far from being happy. I realized she was not going to like the idea of her husband and brother-in-law turned into kids obsessed about Oreo cookies and video games, but she was to blame. She turned them into plushie toys and sent to different universe expecting bloody miracle. Why me?

'What did you do to my husband?'- she shouted – 'why they are such kids? This world made them crazy!'.

'You can make them crazy'- I proposed.

'How?'- the most beautiful Valie seemed curious.

She was amazing creature. As books says, mysterious, divine light surrounded her. I had no words to describe the pure beauty standing in front of me and needed few seconds to realize why her husband made puppy eyes. Varda seemed so perfect that I barely stopped starring.

'Man of this world are making their wives crazy by playing video games, whereas wives are making them mad doing shopping'.

She laughed with the diabolical smile. Before I managed to even plan the next step, she took my hand and we landed in the Harrods, London. Somehow the noble Queen of Stars from another world managed to charm everyone in her sight to give her free gifts. After eight hours of pure torture we had our hands full of gifts and luxury cloths, as Varda was generous enough to give me presents.

I really preferred not to know when and where she learned so much about smiling, saying sweet words and how to choose lingerie. Sometimes the only wat to keep the mind healthy is not to ask any questions.

'You are alone and this is not healthy' – she stated drinking hot chocolate.

'I.. I like my life'- I explained.

'Don't try to fool me, every woman need a man for support and other funny activities'- she explained looking at the shopping bag with the luxurious lingerie.

'I have no idea what are you talking about'.

'Oh don't be shy, come let's do more shopping as my husband deserves punishment'.

I did not dare to ask what type of punishment she was talking about. The way she kissed her husband when we were back left no room for the interpretation and I … I was left with the most bizarre company in the universe.

Three most powerful creatures from another world lived in my apartment for some time. In most of the time they behave relatively normally and played only little with the modern electronics. I had no idea what they did to my TV, but the only channel available was "Cartoon Network". When two brothers were playing 'Lord of the Rings', definitely too-excited-about-shopping Valie felt in love with the 'Tomb Raider' series. Three of them behaved so nicely, that I realized I might them alone in my apartment without risking the epic disaster, at least in most cases.

One day, I left them watching "The Lion King" crying almost when Mustafa died. Yes, three powerful kids watched movies definitely excited about the whole idea. In the meantime, Varda learned how to use electric oven and warm frozen cakes. Felling safe, I left my place.

In the early afternoon, I realized something was wrong. Sunny sky mysteriously went dark, even if according to forecast no storm should be there. I got impression the whole change was far from natural and quickly run to my place. Someone turned my apartment into war zone and the whole weird phenomenon started here.

'What happened?' – I asked.

'He called me Fiona!'- Varda shouted

'What?'.

'He called me Fiona!'- she repeated and pointed at her husband – 'Am I an green ogre?'.

'No, you don't' – I answered and finally realized –' but you know, Fiona used to be beautiful and ..'.

'Turned into ogre, I am not the ogre!'.

The whole conversation turned about more surreal than usual. My three guests watched "Shrek" and I needed some time to convince Varda, that her husband tried to express his love when used this name. Three kids of supernatural power, why they chose me as the host? They never explained, but definitely liked our world.

After all, I was really happy. However weird it sounded, they chose my apartment as the place for the holiday. Yes, I learned that even the divine creatures needed holiday and rest from time to time, as much as we need it. After reading several books, I realized they behaved as kids, as they had no real childhood. When I saw how they laughed together and eating carrot care I smiled. Three of them looked so happy and cheerful, probably more cheerful than in their world. Anyone deserved a rest from time to time.

I invited them to my place for regular holidays. They turned out to be a pretty nice company, even if their arguments resulted in the snowstorm in the summer. I also received invitation from them, but has not decided to visit Arda so far. The world described in the books seemed wonderful to read about, but difficult to live in. I also realized that none of them would be so cheerful and welcoming in their own world, as I know perfectly how their history ended. Who knows, maybe I will visit their palace one day. After all it might be amusing and worth to describe.


End file.
